For Tamara Read online

  Mum doesn’t want to work until 4am/0400. / But she has so much to tell you, and it isn’t like a baby book. / It is how to survive. / I should be making ink prints of your feet or some crap.

  A government is like when Mum and her friends decide what food to grow, but bigger. / We try.

  What you love becomes a part of you. / Yes, that sounds like a Hallmark card (I don’t even know if you’ll get that). / But I have to go feed people.

  Tamara, you’re going to see so much death.

  Be careful with your water supplies. / Clean, at least. / Dying of dehydration is both ugly and unpleasant.

  I taught you to spell on a Scrabble set. / I didn’t know which way the wind was blowing that day. / I’m sorry.

  Try not to be too hard on them. / And listen to other ppl. / Mums used to luxuriate in making their own organic baby food.

  There are things I will never get back. / This is the love letter you never wrote me.

  People will have withdrawal from all sorts of things: caffeine, nicotine, benzos, ssris, narcotics, alcohol. / Do the best you can. / Alcohol and Benzos are the only two things where one can actually die in detox.

  Bathe. Check for lice with a fine comb. / Lice will freeze, but you need ice. / Comb through hair the best you can.

  I want you to find chalk. / Try schools. / You need it for toothpaste. / Trust me, we can’t make you new teeth.

  Before all this, we sent people into space, to the Moon even. / We had pictures of the Earth from the moon. / Very pretty, like you.

  T., there is so much I want you to know about world history. /

  Geological, a bunch of -icals./ Great civilizations. / Mistakes.

  My husband will be fine because I married him. Do you think I would marry a dipstick after all this time?!

  T., that space I call a “backyard” is a fortified courtyard. / There were playgrounds. / I don’t even want to tell you what those were.

  Yr Mum believed in forgiveness and non-violence and not-dying. / Recruit (ex-)military personnel. / Don’t let them take over. / Find a real doctor.

  Okay, frak. / I have a fever, don’t I? / Forget the tools & trust yourself. / Put the back of your wrist to my head, / if you feel it is too hot, / you are probably right.

  Take one. / Unless you have a prior heart condition take five. / I need you awake.

  Please, My Husband, for all my life, make her whole again.

  I know you want to see your Dad. / I do too, my Dad. / But there are other grown-ups here. / They are okay, right? / You don’t need their names, though: / most will be gone.

  Yr Mum’s favourite fairy-tale is The Little Mermaid. / But I don’t think I’ll be reading you that one. / Don’t you fall dumb and walk on pins and needles for anyone. / Your Mum just liked that story because she gets to live in silence, in her garden, underwater.

  My Husband, / if I knew you were dead / it would be so much easier. / Instead you are hope. / A ghost. / A reminder.

  Sometimes you love your husband very much. / And sometimes you wrote him / and he came alive out of a book. / Sometimes.

  No, sweetheart / your Dad isn’t here because he doesn’t love us. / Yes, he does love work, but in a way his work is how he loves us. / What he does will help us all. / So yes, while we can get angry at him for not being here / we have to forgive him. / This is how we love him.

  That is a bit of a drive. I would also argue that unless we know that location is secure, it may have been a target.

  I have a trick with my memory: it isn’t that I can perfectly recall a phone book, but I can recall exactly how I felt while looking at it.

  I can remember the first time we saw each other. I knew we both wished that no one else had been in that room. That you were what I was waiting for.

  I wouldn’t say no, I’d say we have to think about it. Right now, there are military facilities within walking range. We check those out first.

  If I hated you for going to work that day, I’d hate you for working.

  No one will replace you / Husband of Mine. / You and T. have to know. / I’m doing the best I can.

  People! There is a line of wounded outside our door. / Unless you step up & help out, I will pass out. / Intake: obvious wounds, depth, organs, head injury. / Ask what meds were taken. / Ask about everything from caffeine to sleeping pills to vitamins & supplements.

  She’s adorable. / This adorable brat, and nightmare. / She’s beautiful.

  We don’t have the machines or meds to diagnose cancer. / A violin. / Piano.

  Shh: as much as your Mum is a doctor, she is a killer, an assassin. / That is how it works. / Both ways, always. / Be strong.

  No, Tamara, my Daughter, I don’t take good enough care of myself. / That’s your job right now. / To remind me.

  I never thought I’d order anyone to loot fruit cocktail. / Turns out your grandfather was right / that stuff lasts forever.

  We can’t grow orange trees here. / We have to can what we have. / Make sure there’s a seal.

  I can still remember those cities. / I think we have a bird nest. / Do you want to see?

  You need to know about clouds and weather and how I know by the sound that is a nest. / You need to be able to track animals.

  I’m so rushed, drawing these maps for you. / I’m sorry. / I know I say that alot. / I still am. / Yr Mum knows more than she thought.

  I worry so much that I’m not a good Mum. / I take care of all these ppl. / I don’t want to skip you. / The most important one.

  Someone told me to turn on the tv. / I didn’t believe it. / I wish you didn’t have to believe me.

  Mum’s computer finally died. / I know that doesn’t mean much to you. / It does to Mum, ok? / Here my computer won’t work. / One day our pens won’t work. / Yes, Mum is annoyed.

  May you never know what a Money Mart is. / A mall. / We will find a way to make you balloons.

  Yr. Mum really wants to sleep. / It is 1am/0100. / But someone needs a basic abdominal exam. / I thought I taught this already.

  Yeah, remembering teaching you to spell w/Scrabble. / In like 5 writing systems. / You practice.

  Don’t grow a lawn. / And yes, Mum is scared of wind, okay? / But she will never tell you.

  There is still magic in the world. / Why I tell you stories. / Pictures. / Why you eat your vegetables.

  Being sick on yr own is really hard. / But we both have the skills to do this. / Don’t be stupid enough not to ask for help.

  Don’t carry a weapon that could be used against you. / Cheerios have remarkable nutritional value.

  I need you to hold yr hand above yr heart, head even. / Apply pressure. / I’ll go get the kit. / Yr going to need 2 stitches. / Keep applying pressure. / Keep yr hand above yr head.

  T., I wish you could see your Dad work. / If you are anything like me, and you are / you could watch his brain work. / How important it is to know how & why the ocean has waves.

  Because sometimes those quirks aren’t worth it. / It may drive you nuts / but measure that against yr love. / Can you live with it, or not?

  Forgetfulness is the most important part of memory.

  Clams at night when the tides are low. / Vines and blackberries to start fire. / We’re lucky here: not too cold, not too hot. / We have clean water.

  Just decided to burn the dictionaries instead of the medical books. / I can’t believe it. / I’m so sorry. / I had to. / Save any spare paper.

  I need you to get all med supplies. / We are not the best, but we are the best here.

  These are your guards. You are the info. This won’t be the last place you hit. You are there for your knowledge. Think: we need antibiotics. I need you to pick the best ones for likely infections.

  Make sure the bodies are buried away from our water supply. / Just burn them.

  The taste of strawberries. /
Like people, not literally; just wholly knowing someone that way.

  I can’t believe the last thing I thought of you was that I was mad / your hair wasn’t up.

  Magnetize Iron (Fe) filings to make a compass. / Or learn your stars.

  Tamara, you should know how to make a book now, young lady.

  How am I supposed to teach you all this? / It took my parents yrs. / They knew I could handle myself around a bear or a herd of deer.

  Your Dad and I met while I was on another date. I actually moved my date such that we sat behind him. He was jet-lagged from a flight and I couldn’t take my eyes off him. And he was all I wanted. / And I don’t think he ever believed that for a second, sadly.

  Even now, your happiness is more important to me than I will ever admit. It is the reason I nag and fuss.

  God, you make me so proud, you have no idea. I am so happy to have known you & to be loved by you. Yes, that is as mushy as it sounds, so hush.

  I am writing this now because of loss.

  Stay still, back away slowly. / Never get between a Mother and cubs. / Deer can really, really kick. / They knew I knew about weather. / That I could swim. / That to get out of a riptide you swim sideways and then to the shore. / I’m sorry I’ll ever underestimate you.

  Turns out Mum will take painkillers so she can help others. / Yes, she knows it is stupid. / And she does her job anyway.

  Keep that mercury thermometer. It is far more accurate and doesn’t require batteries. / Yes, I can tell the most serious cases by touch, but I’d like to be a step ahead. / Shake it down.

  Yr going to have to tie her down. / Esp. her head, it cannot move. / Shave her head. / You are looking for anything abnormal. / A bruise, swelling, anything. / I’m sorry I can’t do better w/o the right equipment.

  You want a chronological description of what happened. / That is one fairy-tale I won’t be writing.

  I never had the time and time doesn’t even exactly work that way anyway. / You know our math works with time going backward or forward?

  T., you should have been starting school. / I know we started a basic one here. / Not the same.

  I wish I could tell you if you didn’t want to feel so bad about your life, turn on the news. / The fact you can’t is worse.

  Dehydration, next line.

  Tamara, you’re great at your alphabets. / I know there are so many. / Try as hard as I am. / Have courage.

  You have to learn to sew. / I wish yr great-grandmother was here. / That button can’t fall off. / We don’t have many more.

  I remember each city going up. / I’ll draw you a picture of what they looked like / before.

  All the things I’m supposed to wish for you I can’t. / Mum and me is us. / I wish I had a stroller. / Let alone college.

  Tamara, I kept you b/c of what happened. / That does not mean I do not love you, do you understand? / I do not want to order breeding. / Do you understand?

  Raise hands. / Military or ex-military experience? / I don’t care how long ago. / Wilderness survival course? / Camping? / Girl/boy-scouts? / drs’/Field Medics/Medics/emts/Lifeguards? / Any and all advanced medical? / Who here can garden? / Knows pharmaceuticals and/or chemistry? / Water sanitation? / Basic engineering? / Nuclear physics? / We are breaking up into teams based on skill sets. / Why am I the leader, b/c I am leading and it is working. / Next? / I am delegating and deferring to all team leaders. / Leave if you want. / Best of luck. Then again, if there are more details added re: other characters, it could seem like a very natural offshoot.

  Before, I would have played a game called dress-up with you. / You’d be a princess or a pirate. / Now I need you to weed the garden.

  T., I miss so many people. / I used to pretend they were dead / to make it easier. / I don’t know how to make this easier for you.

  All the galaxies we see have a number. / There was a form of dance. / A special collections library.

  Tamara, in another world you’d have to know the difference between tsp and tbsp / take your chances. / I have to go clean the water.

  Basically, if you don’t have a fever, you are dehydrated from expelling fluids, you will likely live. / Or we don’t have meds. / Or a virus. / There are many other things that could be wrong, but again / we don’t have the meds. / Mum is sorry to do this and to ask you to let them go.

  One day, when I have time / I’ll teach you about them all. / When I have time. / One day. / I hope we saved a textbook.

  T., I know you are learning so many languages. / And I am so proud. / Remember bashert / I hope.

  Dead ppl look like normal people. / But like a waterfall you keep expecting to move.

  Being able to remember exactly how I felt the first time I saw you; / yes, it is a gift. / And a horrible curse.

  This is a book that teaches you everything I couldn’t. / I just realized I never told you about “the man in the moon.” I wish I could have. / And no, he isn’t a real man, / just the shape of the craters. / We move through space and so do many things. And sometimes they do hit us. / In this case, many hit the moon / and made that face. / The “man in the moon.”

  Yr Mum let down so many people close to her; / but fewer than the strangers. / Was it better? / To not give to those closest first? / To trust they’ll be fine?

  Yr Mum used to dance in these clubs. / She’d walk home mid-day in an evening gown and sunglasses. / That was life.

  Working on it.

  Only your Father would have folded that heart with an arrow through it while waiting for computer time.

  There are no baby books left. / I guess it’s just you and me, kid. / What really is green? Or orange? / Don’t eat that. / Or that. / Or that. / You can eat that. / Stop sticking things in your mouth, T. / We have enough dead people. / Go eat a dandelion. / I only joke b/c I have no choice. / These ppl are entrusted to me. / Every single day. / I’m sry yr just one of them, my beautiful Tamara.

  Of course I miss Dad. / Like you wouldn’t believe. / Like a limb. / But we all have jobs now. / Please, can you go play alone for 20 min?

  We both know I couldn’t ask you to stay. But I want to wake up to the sound of that blender and two poached eggs. / Dear My Beautiful Idiot, we miss you: me and T. / We’re helping those we can the best we can. / I would love a “postcard” from you w/the same.

  Thank-you parents and grandparents. / Without my vague memories of you doing half these things, we’d all be dead. / How to hold a hammer. / One pill per day. / A stitch. / Jam (if we ever have fruit). / A slide rule. / Contraindications.

  T., even when I’m gone, I miss you. / And you know we aren’t religious. / You got the worst-destined job.

  The gesture: when you turn your palm out and expect someone to grab it, no questions. / Experience that, please.

  I used to wear a coral necklace. / If you touch coral it dies. / Make jewellery, it helps. / Somehow.

  Your Mum can dive into shallow water; you’re not old enough to. / Leave it to me. / I couldn’t deal with your broken neck.

  You don’t know this, but he would have read to you — nearly too much. / He is thoughtful in other ways. / Which is a nice way of saying that no, I have no idea how he can’t contact us.

  Breakfast in bed. / Can you imagine that? / Every single day.

  Always leave the implement/weapon in the wound until you can remove it properly. / Gauze.

  Darling, it wasn’t your fault. / It wasn’t yr fault or Dad’s fault or my fault. / I’m sorry I can’t protect you always.

  I have no idea how to explain how to braid. / It is like a flip-turn. / Someone will show you.

  I would give you a better Mum. / One who cut the crusts off. / Who can make bread that actually rises. / Still, you could do worse.

  You are the space in my bed. / We talked a long time about getting married before we did / but never because we weren’t certain / prac
tical is what we were. / Or something. / Next time: 6 wks.

  See if you can put together a team to raid for artificial limbs. / Or we’ll have to make them. / We’ve cut off enough. / It will help everyone.

  Ok, T., we’re going to create a school. / Aside from the adults that need to learn we have children like you now. / Reading, writing, and arithmetic. / Music and art. / And weapons. / I’m sorry. / I never thought I’d order anyone to loot a school. / We need those textbooks. / Those papers, pencils, and pens. / Get paint if you can.

  Ok, how to trach someone. / Feel that ridge, and the one above? / Knife in between and twist. / Insert tubing. / Secure.

  Always rule out a fever. / It means you ruled out infection. / Please, please promise me you will continue to learn how to read, and not just English.

  He forgot the exact explanation of how the tides work, on a beach, in the moonlight. I forgave him.

  Someone who will wash your hair when you are injured.

  T., never think I didn’t freak out at first. / Never think I thought it was too much to bear.

  Triage.

  Unless you have worked and/or are trained to be a military field medic and/or have advanced wilderness emt training, do not interrupt me. Your questions are welcome at the end.

  Standard triage procedures do not apply. We couldn’t make and stock an OR if we tried. We don’t have the electricity, equipment, or meds. You can’t so much as take an x-ray (although that is a current project). You have to make a case for a sterile anything at this point, understood?

  So rule one hasn’t changed all that much: dead, dying (and you can’t help), dying (and you can help), and “you’ll live.”

  Engineers? / Okay. / We need water and sanitation. / Go. Do. / We also need a frakin’ Geiger counter, just in case, or probably. / Go loot. / We can’t build one, and now is not the time to win the science fair award. / We’ve done our job. / We need to combine our efforts and fortify. / Not fight. / Not now. / We have enough time for that. / Let’s help stave off a civil war for right now. / And get a civilization going. / We all want the same things. / Food, water, shelter. / Now is no time for a power-grab unless you are a complete asshat. / Work with us. / Hear this: I hope you are safe. / That is what I tell T., too.